Short Jokes
Length-wise not height-wise, but there are short people jokes too.
I only put the jokes I think are funny here.
Remember, you can use ctrl+f to look for a particular word or phrase.

Knock Knock
Short People
What Has...
What Is...
What's the difference between...

Can you use pink,yellow and green in a sentence? The phone went green green, and I pinked it up and said yellow.
What would you have if Batman and Robin were run over by a bus? Flatman and Ribbon.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper? Ruff!
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad
What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A milk dud
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
How do you catch baby frogs? With a tadpole.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? U nique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
What do you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer him up!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel? Because he had a big bill!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What kind of dog tells time? A watch dog.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons? A sour puss!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why do fish swim in schools? Because they can't WALK in schools.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
what did the mother cow say to its child on its first day of school? bison.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
How can you tell a boy moose from a girl moose? By its moosestache.
What do you do if you find a sick bird? Give it first aid tweetment.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
How do you know a baby snake? You can tell by its rattle.
What do whales spread on their toast? Jellyfish.
What does a shark eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What newspaper do cattle read? The Daily Moos.
Why did the grown-up cows worry about the little cow? Because it was so moo-dy.
Where do you find prehistoric cows? In a moo-seum.
Where do cows go on holiday? Moo York.
What do you call a cow eating grass in a pasture? A lawn mooer.
What is the best way to count cows? With a cow-culator.
What kind of cheese does a cow like? Moo-zzarella.
What happens to cows during an earthquake? They give milk shakes!
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work!
How did the cow feel when it struck out every time it came to bat? Like an udder failure.
Why are frogs happy? They get to eat what bugs them.
What happened when the horse swallowed a dollar? It bucked.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why did the horse put on a blanket? He was a little colt.
What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow? Cows survive the branding.
How come dalmations always lose at hide and go seek? Because they're always spotted!
What is a cow without legs? ground beef
What is a cow that just gave birth? de-calf-inated
what do you get when you cross a porcupine and a sheep? an animal that knits sweaters
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? A Golden receiver.
what is the strongest creature in the ocean? Mussles.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
How does a blonde part her hair? By doing the splits.
What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they haven't met!
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized.
Why do blondes like tilt steering? More headroom.
Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? More leg-room.
Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Because everyone gets a turn.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone has been in a 747?
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes
How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallowed a lot of semen.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
What is a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blonde boyfriends.
How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? Open 24 hours a day.
Why do blondes always drink with straws? Practice.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
How is a blonde like peanut-butter? They both spread for the bread.
What do you call a blonde grabbing at air? Collecting her thoughts.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? A frosted flake.
What does a blonde do after she sucks cock? Spits out the feathers.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They both drop their needles!
How long does it take to burn a candle down? About a wick!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve? Black mail!
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents? Santa Paws!
Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs!
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? Chrip Cringle.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread.
How about the one about the three deep holes drilled in the ground? Well, well, well.
Tell me you've at least heard the joke about the cows? It's udder nonsense.
You heard the joke about the broken pencil, right? Never mind, it's pointless!
I know you heard the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, that one's pointless too.
Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind, it stinks!
Did you hear the joke about the sandwich? It's a lot of baloney.
Did you hear the story about the coffee? It's hot stuff.
You hear the joke about the rotten food? It will turn your stomach.
You hear the joke about the rotten pudding? It's hard to swallow.
Do you want to hear the joke about the hot potato? Never mind, let's just drop it.
You hear the one about the dropped egg? It always cracks me up!

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
A duck walks into a bar and tells his friends... "hey guys, the bill's on me!"
A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
John Kerry or Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
An Irishman walks by a could happen
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him!
What do you call a Bohemian that gets thrown out of a bar? A bounced Czech
Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A five dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."
A pig walks into a bar and orders 15 beers and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Did you hear abou the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
What would happen if you cut off your left side? You would be all right.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What did people say when the ship loaded with accordions sank in the ocean? Well, it's a start.
What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common? Absolutely nothing.
What is the definition of a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
What is a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire.
What do you call a group of topless female accordion players? Ladies in Pain.
What does a long court hearing and a bad accordionist have in common? There is always a huge sigh of relief when the case is closed.
How many accordions can you fit in a phone booth? 101 if you chop them fine enough.
Why did the atoms run away? It was time to split.
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What magic spell turns you into a dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus hex.
What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
How do you double the value of a (shitty car name)? Fill it with gas.
Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What's a hindu? Lays eggs.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Why did the leper crash his car? He left his foot on the accelerator.
Why did the leper go back into the shower? He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
What do you get when a Leper takes a bath? Soup.
Why did the ref call a penalty during the leper hockey game? Because there was a face off in the corner.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 789!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Why did the jelly wobble? Because it saw the milk shake!
Why did the balloon burst? Because it saw a lolly pop!
Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend? Because his friend said its on me.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What breaks when you say it? Silence!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What do you call a dear without any eyes? No eye dear!
What are two things you cannot have for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? Because he wanted sweet dreams.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the thief take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Where does wood come from? A guy named woody.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They charge!
Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long? Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water bed!
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Why did the child study in the airplane? He wanted a higher education!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
When does a cart come before a horse? In the dictionary!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row row row your boat.
What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together? Swimming trunks.
what did one elephant say to the other elephant on valentine's day? I love you a ton.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why did the teacher jump into the lake? Because she wanted to test the waters!
What sort of star is dangerous? A shooting star!
Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night? Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What's a lumberjack's favorite month? Sep-timber!
How much will a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A-buck-an-ear
If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the biggest of the three? The baby, because he's a little Bigger!
Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head? He wanted to make up his mind!
What kind of ship never sinks? Friendship!
How do you make a hotdog stand? Steal its chair!
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on it's mouse.
First robot: Do you have any brothers? Second robot: No, only transistors.
What do computers do when they get hungry? They eat chips!
Where's an astronaut's favourite place on the computer? The spacebar!
What is a computer's favorite dance? The disk-o.
Where do computers go to dance? The disk-o!
Why did the tree get a computer? To log on.
What is an office worker's favorite dance step? The fax-trot.
What is a pretzel's favorite dance routine? The twist.
What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance? When they're not home!
How does a barber make phone calls? He cuts them short.
Why didn't the mummy want a telephone? He always got too wrapped up in his calls!
Who slept on an ironing board for 20 years? Rip Van Wrinkle.
How do Arabian princes dance? Sheik to sheik.
Why was the opera singer kicked out of class? For passing notes.
Tourist: Can you give me a room and a bath? Desk clerk: I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.
Traveller: I'd like a round trip ticket. Ticket seller: I'm sorry, all our tickets are square.
Customer: Do you serve crabs here? We serve everybody. Have a seat.
Poet: How are things? Tailor: Sew-sew. How about you? Poet: Could be verse!
Cannibal: Shall I boil the new missionary? Chief: No, he's a friar.
Guy1: My wife's taking a trip to the West Indies. Guy2: Jamaica? Guy1: Not at all, she wanted to go.
Did you ever see a wood fence? No, but I saw the barn dance.
Have you ever seen a line drive? No, but I've seen a ball park.
How do you make anti-freeze? Put ice cubes in her bed.
Why did the big bucket worry about the little bucket? It was a little pail.
What does one bucket say to the other? I am feeling pale today.
What do you call a crazy spaceman? An astro-nut.
How did Mary's little lamb get to Mars? By rocket sheep.
What 7 letters of the alphabet did the outlaw say when he opened the bank vault and found nothing inside? O I C U R M T.
What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty? O I C U R M T
Why did the cowboy carry a cannon into town? He wanted people to think he was a big shot.
Why did the tree fall asleep in the lumberyard? It became bored.
What kind of headache does a hammer get? A pounding one.
Why did the firecracker go to the barber shop? To get its bangs cut.
What do witches but on their hair? Scare-spray.
What do you get if you cross a nut and a briefcase? A nut case.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and quackers!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
Why didn't the band leader go outside in the thunderstorm? He's a good conductor.
Why was the clock put in the mental hospital? It was a little cuckoo.
Where is the nerdiest place in outer space? On the dork side of the moon.
What is an electrical engineer's favorite song? Ohm on the range.
Which western hero was created in a science lab? The Clone Ranger.
What is yellow and wears a mask? The lone lemon.
Why did the cyborg go to a psychologist? He thought he was having a metal breakdown.
How do you drive a baby buggy? Tickle its feet!
There's one word you always pronounce wrong. What's that? Wrong.
So I go to the photographer the other day and he says, "First we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."
What does a bald artist use on his head? An air brush.
Why did the bacterium cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.
They're a perfect match: She's a real bookworm and there's something fishy about him.
They're a perfect match: She's a timeless beauty with an hourglass figure and he enjoys watching the time pass.
They're a perfect match: She's a geometry teacher and he has all the angles.
They're a perfect match: He's a night watchmen and she's never worked a day in her life.
They're a perfect match: He's stuck up and she's coming unglued.
They're a perfect match: She has lots of cold cash and all of his assets are frozen.
They're a perfect match: She's a mathematics teacher and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
They're a perfect match: She's a vegetarian and his face is as red as a beet and his hair is as bright as a carrot.
They're a perfect match: He's as straight as an arrow and she's bow-legged.
They're a perfect match: He's a geologist and she's got rocks in her head!
They're a perfect match: Her social life stinks and he doesn't have a scent to his name.
They're a perfect match: She's a bank loan arranger and he never gets any credit.
They're a perfect match: He's a chiropractor and she's a pain in the neck!
They're a perfect match: He's a detective who never solved a case and she's totally clueless.
They're a perfect match: He's a podiatrist and she's always putting her foot in her mouth.
They're a perfect match: He's an airplane pilot and she has friends in high places.
They're a perfect match: He's a fashion designer and she's a model citizen.
They're a perfect match: The stories she tells never add up and you just can't count on him.
They're a perfect match: She's a breath of fresh air and he's long-winded.
They're a perfect match: She's a redhead and he's a hothead.
They're a perfect match: He's a cowboy and she's full of bull!
They're a perfect match: She's a statuesque beauty and he's a chisler.
How did the priest make holy water? He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? They both don't work and always take your money.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill.
Why did the Mafia cross the road? Fugetabahdit.
What kind of beans won't grow in a garden? Jellybeans!
A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened? The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!
How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern? with a pumpkin patch.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? a watchdog
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? a honey comb
Why do bees have sticky hair? they use honeycombs
Why did the farmer bury all his money? to make his soil rich
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? a poul-tree
What are sailors' favorite fruits? naval oranges
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? she broke her angle
What kind of trees sew? pine trees, they always have needles around
How do you turn soup into gold? add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? Give him your credit card.
where do pigs park their cars? in a porking lot
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? an in betweenie weenie.
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? tug of whore
What kind of bean can't grow? a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? a martian mellow
How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? eclipse it
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence.
What's brown and sticky? a stick
What's red and not there no tomatoes
What's white and flies through the sky? the coming of the lord
Knock Knock. Who's there? Cows say. Cows say who? No silly cows say moo!
Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog? because someone told him to get along little doggy
why did the gummmm cross the road? because it was stuck to the chicken's feet!
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday& Sunday, The rest are weak-days!
What's the bounty on a pirate? about a buck an ear (buccaneer)
What do you call a highway potrolman with a diaper on- A pooper trooper!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!
What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common? Both have Sandy Claws!
How do you make a tissue dance? you put a little boogie in it!!
why was the ocean arrested? because he kept beating up on the beach.
What kind of cheese isn't your cheese?! NACHO Cheese!!!!
why do chicken coops have 2 doors? cause if they had 4 they would be a chicken sedan
what do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear!
Where did the Spaghetti go to dance? The meat ball!
Why was the cat afraid of the tree? He was scared of the bark!
When does it rain money? when theres change in the weather!
Whats the best way to brush your hare? Hold him firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
Why couldnt orange roll UP the hill? It ran out of JUICE
Why did the man take a hammer to bed? He wanted to hit the sack.
Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain? Because the kids have to play inside all day.
What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse!
why was the belt arrested? for holding up the pants
What do you call one cow spying on another cow? A steak out.
Why was the policeman in bed? He was undercover.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight(ate) nine!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls! ah haha! BAGELS!!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A GUMMY BEAR!
If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? European
Why did the cactus cross the road? because he was stuck to the chicken's back.
Why did the mailman run from the tree? Because he saw it's bark.
What happens when you drop a duck egg? It quacks
What do pigs put on their cuts? Oinkment
How many vampires does it take to put in a light bulb? None. Vampires like the dark.
Why did the man throw a cheerio off the roof? Because he was a cereal killer
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
How far did the witch fly? Ghost to ghost.
Why couldn't Beethoven find his instructor? Because he was Haydn.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porky-pine!!!
How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
Why don't lobsters share? because they're shellfish!
What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roman Catholic
Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone? Beacause he had noBODY to go with
how can you tell if a vampire has a cold? he starts coffin!
what's a cat's favorite color? purrrrrple
2 potatoes standing on the side of the road, one's a prostitute, how do you know which one? The one that says IDAHO!
did you hear about the circus that came to town? Ya it was in tents...intense get it haha
What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar? Buck teeth!
Why did the bowling pins stop working? Because they went on STRIKE!
Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk? It's all over town!
What kind of pants do clouds wear? Thunder wear
Why did the mouse sleep under the oil can? So it wouldn't be squeaky in the morning!
What do you call a mean-tempered horse? A nightmare.
Where do fish sleep? In a water bed!
What did King Tut say when he got scared? I want my mummy!
What do you call a grizzly bear standing in the rain? A drizzly bear.
What does a Horse Say when It Falls Down? I have Fallen and I cant GIDDY UP!
Why do eskimos wash their cloths in Tide? Because it's to cold out Tide!
Where do dogs park their cars? In a barking lot!
why is the ocean water blue? cuz the fish go blu-blu-blu-blu
why did the chicken go to the library? to check out a bawk bawk bawk
Why is Peter Pan always flying? because he can NEVER NEVER LAND!
How do you make Beef Jerky? Tickle a Cow!
What do you call a turtle that flies? A shell-icopter!
When is it the best time of the week to make french fries on the grill? Fryday!
Why was there tomato sauce all over the town? Because there was a tomato tornado.
What did the boy bag of flour give to the girl bag of flour? a little flour?
What flower grows on your face? Tulips.
What do you call a flower under you nose? tulips
Why did the moron take a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
What coat do you put on wet? A coat of paint.
How do Billboards talk? They use sign language!
Why did the old lady tie roller skates to her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll!
Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him? To see how long he slept!
What clothes did u put 4 church? Holy Clothes
What do you call a man in your mail box with no arms and no legs? Bill
What do you call a man in water with no arms and no legs? Bob
What do you call a man with on arms and no legs on your front porch? Matt
What do you call a lady with one eye and one leg? Ilene (i lean)
What do you call a man with a government subsidy? Grant
What do you call a guy in debt? Owen
What do you call a guy who makes joe-ks all the time? Josh
What do you call a guy who hits a baseball over the fence? Homer
What do you call a guy who smells like a cow? Barney
What do you call a guy who everyone hangs pictures on? Wally
What do you call a guy who can’t light firecrackers? Dudley
What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs? Chuck
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can’t say “Ah”? Noah
What do you call a guy who smokes weed? Bud
What do you call a girl who has one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
What do you call a woman with no arms, no legs on the wall? Peg
What do you call a mechanic with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his head? Lou
What do you call a female plumber with two toilets on her head? Lulu
What do you call a worker with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a worker without a shovel on his head? Dougless
What do you call a worker called Richard with a road roller on his head? Flatrick
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, it won’t come.
What do you call a guy who’s been attacked by a lion? Claude
What do you call a guy who is the most adventurous? Darin
What do you call a guy who likes all kinds of cars? Otto
What do you call a guy who likes to read road maps? Miles
What do you call a guy who is accident prone? Rex
What do you call a guy who repairs wheels? Axel
What do you call a guy who breaks dishes? Chip
What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living? Cole
What do you call a guy who is not crazy? Norm
What do you call a guy who likes to read books? Red
What do you call a guy who does well in the stock market? Rich
What do you call a guy who like to ring doorbells? Buzz
What do you call a guy who grows vegetables? Herb
What do you call a guy who likes meat, potatoes, and vegetables? Stu
What do you call a guy who’s been hung up on the wall by his belt? Art
What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art
What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs? Skip
What do you call a guy who bows down before the king? Neil
What do you call a guy who gets walked all over? Matt
What do you call a guy who falls asleep on your front porch? Matt
What do you call a guy who is very sarcastic? Kurt
What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning? Rod
What do you call a non-swimmer who falls in the river? Bob
What do you call a guy who’s been dropped into the middle of the ocean? Bob
What do you call a guy whose head is shaped like a flower? Bud
What do you call a guy who makes diamond rings? Jules
What do you call a guy who votes things down all the time? Vito
What do you call a guy who makes loudspeakers? Mike
What do you call a guy who was out all night on the grass? Dewey
What do you call a guy with mucus in his throat? Fleming
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and covered in fur? Harry
What do you call a guy who recently lost a lot of weight? Les
What do you call a guy who grows in a garden? Bud
What do you call a girl with sausages on her head? Barbie
What do you call a ballerina who works in a pub? A tap dancer
What do you call a girl lying in the middles of a tennis court? Annette
What do you call a girl who is an astronomer? Stella
What do you call a girl who grows in a garden? Ivy
What do you call a girl who stands next to walls? Lena
What do you call a girl who gets caught in a fence? Barb
What do you call a girl with only one tooth? Peg
What do you call a girl who has a lot of spare change? Penny
What do you call a girl who likes fine furniture and jewels? Tiffany
What do you call a girl who makes hamburgers? Patti
What do you call a girl who has very attractive eyes? Iris
What do you call a girl who likes to eat sweets? Candy
What do you call a girl who is very conceited? Mimi
What do you call a girl who likes to go to the beach? Sandi
What do you call a girl who likes to push around a little cart? Dolly
What do you call a girl who like to play hide-and-go-seek? Heidi
What do you call a girl who is always taking people to court? Sue
What do you call a girl who likes a lot of butter on her bread? Marge
What do you call a girl who works in the Church steeple? Belle
What do you call a girl who is in charge of the water faucet? Flo
What do you call a girl who complains a lot? Mona
What do you call a girl who gambles all the times?Bette
What do you call a girl who has to be helped around a lot? Carrie
What do you call a girl with a big head? Heddy
What do you call a girl who is very interested in Gypsies? Crystal
What do you call a dog with no legs in the middle of the road? Spot
What do you call someone who carries a dictionary in his jeans? Smarty pants.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water? Because pepper water would make them sneeze
why did the boy take toilet paper to the party? he was a party pooper!
Don't take it for granted. ok i'll take it for limestone
What type of birth does mermaid have? Sea section
Man, what did you do in here?... It smells like updog... What's updog? I don't know, Dawg, what's up wit you?
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What did one earthquake say to another? It's not my fault!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
What did one bumper car say to the other? May I have the next dents?
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
what did one math book say the other? i don't know about you but i have alot of problems!!!!!
what did one math book say the other? Add me subtract the lights divide your legs and lets multiply!!!!!
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
What did the banana say to the other banana? I find you a peeling.
What did the horse with Life Alert say? Help! I've fallen and i cant Giddy Up!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? - Make me one with everything.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? DAM
What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle? You mean a great DILL to me!!
What did the cabbage preacher say to his church? Lettuce pray!
What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)
What did the sink say to the water faucet? you're a real drip
What did the slug say as it slipped down the sidewalk? How slime flies.
What did the farmer say to his compost pile? Thank you very mulch.
What did the jack say to the car? "Hey! I know you're in a rush, so don't let me hold you up."
What did the baby light bulb say to its mother? I wuv you watts and watts!
What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentines Day? I wuv you watts!
What did the mommy train say to the little train at the dinner table? Chew! Chew!
What did the computer say when it saw its owner having a little snack? "Give me a byte!"
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil? Stop going in circles and get to the point!
What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker? My pop is bigger than yours.
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? You are too little to smoke.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What did the carpet say to the floor? "You go ahead I'll cover you"
What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? No thanks, I'm stuffed!
What did the fungus say to the algae? I've taken a lichen to you!
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
what did one vacuum cleaner say to the other? You Suck.
What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock outta here!
What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move! I've got you covered.
What did one plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me!
What did the fan say to the fridge? You're so much cooler than I.
what did one mute say to the other? nothing.
What did the cow say to the sheep? Mooooooooove.
What did the sheep say to this joke? Baaaaaaaaaaad.
What did the pecan say to the mushroom? You're such a fungi.
What did the mushroom say to the pecan? You're nuts.
What did the digital clock say to his mom when riding his bicycle? Look ma, no hands!
Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one is a match!
What’s the slipperiest country? Greece!
Why can’t you say a joke while standing on ice? Because it might crack up!
What do postal workers do when they’re mad? They stamp their feet.
What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers.
Why is tennis such a loud game? Because each player raises a racquet.
Who earns a living by driving his customers away? A taxi driver.
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.
What did Cinderella say to the photographer? Some day my prints will come.
How do hair stylists speed up their job? They take short cuts!
How can you tell that a train just went by? It left its tracks.
What did the painter say to the wall? I got you covered.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories.
Where do you go to find a million story building? You go to the Library!
How do they serve smart hamburgers? On honor rolls.
Why did the calendar write its will? Its days were numbered.
Where does Friday come before Monday? In the dictionary.
What kind of phones do people in jail use? Cell phones
What kind of driver has no arms or legs? A screwdriver.
What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall? A ruler.
What did the one penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter? Holes.
What did one hair say to the other? It takes two to tangle!
Why would Snow White make a great judge? She was the fairest in the land.
What kind of underwear to reporters wear? News briefs.
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
What did the ceiling say to the chandelier? You’re the only bright spot in my life.
What do you call a fairy who doesn’t take a bath? Stinker Bell.
If the red house is on the left,the blue house is on the right,where is the White House? In Washington, D.C.
Why was the boy sitting on his watch? Because he wanted to be on time.
What goes under your feet and over your head? A jump rope.
Tom: I bet I can make you say purple. Joe: How? Tom: What colors are in the American flag? Joe: Red, white and blue. Tom: I told you I can make you say red. Joe: You said purple! Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
Why did the opera singer go sailing? Because she wanted to hit the high C’s.
What`s black & white & red all over? An embarrased mime!
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty.
Why did the man take a pencil to bed? Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
What did the pencil say to the paper? I dot my i’s on you!
Why did the gardener plant his money? He wanted his soil to be rich!
What did the calculator say to the math student? You can count on me!
Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line? She was caught taking a brake.
What letters are not in the alphabet? The ones in the mail, of course!
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What two days of the week start with the letter "T"? Today and Tomorrow!
What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? An envelope.
What letter can you drink? T (tea)
Where do all the letters sleep? In the alphabed.
What’s in the middle of nowhere? The letter H.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a garage.
What did one flower say to the other flower? Hey, bud!
What kind of flower has lips? Two-lips!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
What do you use to cut through the ocean waves? A sea-saw.
How do you cut a wave in half? Use a sea saw.
Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend? Because it gave him a big wave!
What did Delaware? A New Jersey.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
How do you open the great lakes? With the Florida Keys.
How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity? Shocked.
If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become? Wet.
What kind of dress can’t be worn? Address.
Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why did the man throw his margarine? he wanted to see the butter fly
Why did the girl throw the butter out the window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What did the picture say to the wall? I’ve been framed!
What did the picture say to the wall? I’ve got you covered!
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? I've been framed!
Who can hold up a bus with one hand? A crossing guard.
Which candles burn longer, bee’s wax or tallow? Neither, they all burn shorter.
What did the candle say to the other candle? I’m going out tonight!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Flood lights!
What can you hold without using your hands? Your breath!
What does the winner of the race lose? His breath.
What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds? A scale.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar!
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his Sleevies!
Where do soldiers keep their armies? In their Sleevies!
Why don’t honest people need beds? They don’t lie.
What did the boat say to the pier? What’s up, dock?
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
What runs around a yard without moving? A fence.
There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn’t they get wet? It wasn’t raining!
What kind of band can’t play music? A rubber band.
How do Vikings send secret messages? Norse code.
Two atoms are playing together when one tells the other “I lost an electron.” The second atom asks, “Are you sure?” The first atom replies “I’m positive!”
What is a baby’s motto? If at first you don’t succeed, cry and cry again!
How does a train sneeze? Ah-choo-choo!
What did the number 0 say to number 8? Nice belt!
Where do cars go for a swim? At the carpool!
Why did the spy stay in bed? Because he was under cover.
How do you know a clock is hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What did the clock do after it ate? It went back four seconds!
What is the opposite of a restaurant? A workaraunt.
What’s a royal pardon? It’s what the queen says after she burps.
What do you call a young army? Infantry.
Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job? He was board.
What goes up and down but never moves? Stairs.
What’s black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
What’s the best parting gift? A comb.
Why did the TV cross the road? Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
What would you call a humorous knee? Fun-ny!
Why is b always cool? Because it’s between ac.
What day of the week tastes the best? Sunday!

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.
What's the difference between “Ooooh!” and “Aaaah!”? About three inches.
What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip!
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.
What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker? Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
What’s the difference between love and herpes? Love doesn’t last forever.
What’s the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can bung your load into a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Whats the difference between the (crappy team) team and a (same crappy team) cheerleader? They both suck for four quarters.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow, and gargle.
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it comes on your face!
What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off.
What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't? Come in five different flavors.
Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? Better traction.
Husband says to his wife “Do you fancy playing the rape game?” Wife says, “No.” Husband replies “That’s the spirit!”
Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
What does the receptionist at a sperm clinic say to clients as they’re leaving? Thanks for coming!
What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male fraud.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Why doesn’t Smokey the Bear have any kids? Everytime his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
What is the definition of “making love”? Something a woman does while a man is fucking her.
Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute – she can wash and resell her crack.
How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you? When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.
What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex? They just kinda lay there.
How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no balls.
What’s better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
What's worse than spiders on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby? You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float.
Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged.
Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist / rabbi? He got the sack.
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don’t ask her out again.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!
What do Disney World and Viagra have in common? They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? Good morning girls.
How can you tell a head nurse? She’s the one with the dirty knees.
Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar? They went outside to exchange blows.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ball room.
What’s the hardest thing about a sex change operation? Inserting the anchovies.
What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard.
What’s the noisiest thing in the world? Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
What if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? We’d be eating pussy every Thanksgiving.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
What’s the ultimate rejection? When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
What’s the best thing about a blow job? The ten minutes of silence!
Why do women have 2% more brains than a cow? So when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? You can drop her off where ever you want!
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy.
What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Why did Tigger look in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh.
What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A virgin.
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.
What do you call ball's on your chin? A dick in your mouth!
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? The grass tickles their balls.
What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!
When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What do u call a bunny with a bent dick? Fucks Funny. (instead of Bugs Bunny)
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.
How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? Pull some strings.
Why Are crippled people always picked on? Because they can't stand up for themselves.
Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done.
What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist!
Why do white men like big tits and a tight ass? Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
Whats long hard and full of seamen? A submarine, I bet you were thinking something dirty!
What are the five great kings that have brought happiness into peoples lives? Drinking, licking, sucking, fucking, and wanking.
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her.
What's the job application to Hooters? They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "I'll see you next month."
What do you call a school bus full of white people? Twinkie.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at a nusing home.
What is the square root of 69? Ate something. But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
What does a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with it, the harder they get.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting?
What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? He was half nuts!!!
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
What has 8 hairy legs and makes women scream? Gang rape.
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His jockstrap fit like a glove.
How do you know when your house was built by lesbians? There aren't any studs and everything is tongue-n-groove.
How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
What do you throw a Mexican man when he's drowning? His wife and kids.
Why is a Black mans eyes always red after sex? From the mace.
What is the most positive thing in harlem? HIV.
How do you know when a redneck has her period? She's only wearing one sock.
Why is air a lot like sex? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why did the industrious prostitute have a vagina implanted on her hip? So she could make some money on the side.
did you hear the news about diahrea? It's in your jeans (genes)
I was gonna say a gay joke. But fuck it.
What did one candle say to the other candle? Blow me.

BS stands for bullshit, MS for more shit, and a PHD is a pile higher and deeper
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What is the first thing a little snake learns in school? Hiss-tory.
what is snake's favorite subject? hiss-tory...
Why did the firefly do so well in school? It was so bright.
Why did the skeleton flunk out of school? His heart wasn't in it.
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? a dead school bus
Why did the sun go to school? It wanted to be brighter.
In what school do you learn how to greet people? Hi school.
What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from? Parachute school!
Where do you learn to make banana splits? In sundae school.
Why did the boy take a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school!
What is black when clean, and white when dirty? A blackboard.
Why are kindergarten teachers so good? They can make little things count.
What kind of table has no legs. A multiplication table.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese
What did the hotdog say when he won the race? I'm the weiner!
Remember: stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Why couldn't the baker buy a new car? He didn't make enough dough.
What do a baker and a millionaire have in common? They are both rolling in the dough!
Who’s richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker? The baker, because he has lots of dough.
What do vegetables say at church? Lettuce pray.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What do you call two banana peels? Slippers.
What kind of shoes do bannanas make? Slippers!
What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer.
Did you hear about the dog that ate the roasted garlic? His bark was worse than his bite.
What kind of cake do you get at a school cafeteria? A stomach-cake!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone? Jell-o!
Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? He couldn't concentrate!
How do you fix a broken vegetable? With tomato paste.
What kind of jam can you not eat? A traffic jam.
Why did the strawberry need a lawyer? Because it was in a jam.
Why was the little strawberry sad? Because his mother was in a jam.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Why did the strawberry call 911? It was in a jam!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What do frogs eat with their hamburgers? French flies.
Who won the fight at the candy store? I don't know, but the lollipop got licked!
Two tomatoes were walking along when one got tired. He said to the other tomato, "Go along without me. I'll ketchup."
Why does a banana use suntan lotion? So it won't peel.
How do you know you're eating rabbit stew? It has hares in it.
Why did the lobster turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the stale girl loaf of bread slap the stale boy loaf of bread? Because he was trying to get fresh!
When are cooks cruel? When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.
What kind of nuts give you a cold? Cashew nuts.
What is the healthiest kind of water? Well water.
What did the egg say to the blender? "I know when I'm beaten!"
Where did the fish go on vacation? Finland
Why did the clam refuse to share? It was shellfish
What does a baseball team and a muffin have in common? They both depend on the batter.
Who makes the best cake on a baseball team? The batter.
What do you give a lemon in distress? Lemonade.
What is a boxer’s favorite drink? Punch.
What did one egg say to the other egg? You crack me up!
What did the banana do when the monkey chased it? The banana split!
Why did the banana split? It saw the ginger snap.
Why did the banana go to the hospital? It wasn't peeling well.
What is always hot in the refrigerator? Chili
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody wood pickle!
What’s green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet? Super Pickle!
Why did the cucumber call 911? It was in a pickle!
There’s a green and purple grape. The green grape says to the purple grape, “Breathe, breathe!”
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine!
What’s 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese? The leaning tower of Pizza.
What room can you not go into? A mushroom!
What does the toast wear to bed? Jammies!
How are doughnuts and golf alike? They both have a hole in one!
What are pirate’s favoite treat? Chips AHOY!!
What did the baby corn ask the mother corn? Where is pop corn?
Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field? Because there are too many ears.
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing!
What did the peanut say to the walnut? Nothing. Nuts can’t talk.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
whats green and sings blue suede shoes? Elvis Parsely
How do you make a rock float? Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor? Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
What goes on and on and has an i in the middle? An onion
You hear bout the race between the Lettuce, the Tomato and the Faucet? The Lettuce was Ahead. The Tomato couldn't Ketchup. And the Faucet just kept right on running...
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result? The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
A seafood diet is the best: whenever you see food, eat it.
What happens when you eat beans and onions? Tear gas.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!

What room don't zombies like? Living rooms.
What does a witch ask for when she checks into a hotel? Broom service.
Why do vampires brush their fangs? Because they don't like bat breath.
Why did Dracula go to the doctor? Because of his coffin.
what is dracula's favorite ice cream flavour? vein-illa!
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? It had no guts.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book? Because he wasn't very hungry.
Where do monsters go to study? In ghoul school. Who sits in front of the class in ghoul school? The creature teacher.
What does a monster call his parents? Mummy and dead.
What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar? A beer and a mop.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What kind of candy do you eat when you are about to die? Life savers.
What meat does dracula hate most? Stake.
What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee? A boo boo.
Why do witches use brooms to fly? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves.
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane.
What kind of dog do vampires like the best? Bloodhounds.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone.
What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A human with very high blood pressure.
Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
What did the mother ghost say to her son? Don't spook unless you are spooken to.
What do skeletons say before eating? Bone Appétit.
Why is a haunted handkerchief so scary? Because it has booooooogers.
Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties? Because he's a pain in the neck.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
What do you call a dead chicken that likes to scare people? A Poultrygeist.
What do you call a scared train? A fright train!
What is a ghost's favorite pie? Boo berry!
Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes? No one can eat just one potato ship.
What happened when the monster ate the electric company? He was in shock for a week.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What’s the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard? Sherlock Bones.

Knock knock! Who's There? Boo. Boo Who? Don't cry, its only a joke!
Knock knock! Who's There? Rita. Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something!
Knock knock! Who's There? Heaven. Heaven who? Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
Knock knock! Who's There? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in, its cold outside!
Knock knock! Who's There? Anita. Anita who? Anita tissue....ah-choo! Too late!
Knock knock! Who's There? Honeycomb. Honeycomb Who? Honeycomb your hair!
Knock knock! Who's There? Justin. Justin who? Just in time for dinner!
Knock knock! Who's There? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe come out to play?
Knock knock! Who's There? Beets. Beets who? Beets me!
Knock knock! Who's There? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur more cookies in the jar?
Knock knock! Who's There? Honey Bee. Honey Bee who? Honey, bee a dear and get me a soda.
Knock knock! Who's there? Cows. Cows who? No they don't, they MOO!
Knock knock! Who's There? Gorilla. Gorilla who? Gorilla me a hamburger, I'm hungry!
Knock knock! Who's There? Tom. Tom who? Tom on, you know who I am!
Knock knock! Who's There? Howard. Howard who? Howard I know?
Knock knock! Who's There? Roach. Roach who? Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Knock knock! Who's There? A boy who can't reach the doorbell!!!!
Knock knock! Who's There? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce out of here!
Knock knock! Who's There? Polish burglar.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's an ugly scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Vultures will eat the skunk.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Clothes.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure? The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
What's one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures wait `till you're dead to rip your heart out.
How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking? Slam the toilet seat on his head.
How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? Not enough cement.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the city morgue.
How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up? Santa! The other two don't exist!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What do lawyers do when they die? Lie still.

Did you hear the riddle about the front door? (to a knock knock joke...)

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
If you are in total control, don't tell your wife.
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Wifes have the worst memory - they remember everything.
Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Yawn - Nature's way of letting married men open their mouths.
A wife is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
If a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
You know your marriage is in trouble when you're looking at a used car, and find your wifes panties in the back seat.
The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
The difference between your paycheck and your cock is that you don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
You see, the difference between the wife and the job is that after five years your job will still suck.
Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle? She knows she’s given her last blow job.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
How do you know when your wife is really dead? Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

What did the doctor say to the midget? You'll have to be a little patient
When does a doctor get mad? When he runs out of patients.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away - if it's aimed right.
What do doctors give a pig with a rash? Oinkment.
Why did the cookie go to the Doctor? Because he was feeling crumby.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What's is a dentist's favorite instrument? A tuba tooth paste
What does the year get? A little plaque.
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? He braces himself.
What did the dentist see at the North Pole? A molar bear.
Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.
What did the dentist say to the computer? That won't hurt a byte.
What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? Fill me in when you get back.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What did one tooth say to the other tooth? The dentist is taking me out tonight.
What is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
Why did the oreo go to the dentist? To get his filling!
Were does a boat go when it is sick? To the dock.

What's the difference between men an government bonds? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What's the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
What do men and bottles of beer have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know .... it's never happened.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hands? A man's undivided attention.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, clothes and diamonds.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it.
Why do bachelors like smartwomen? Opposites attract.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? His body.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.

Why do morons like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Hear about the moron that got an AM radio? It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.
Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home? Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".
Why did the moron cut a hole in his umbrella? So he could see when it stopped raining.
Why did the moron spend all night outside the whorehouse? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
What are the three most difficult years for a moron? Second grade.
Did you hear about the moron who locked his moron family in the car? He had to get a coathanger to get them out.
How do get a moron to kill himself? Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case? Branch Manager.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.
What does Music and Candy have in common? They're only good without the (w)rapper.

Short Poeple
How come short women can't use tampons? They trip on the string.
Why do short guys always laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their nuts.
A short guy was coming to a stop when he got rear-ended. He got out and said "I am not happy." The other driver said, "Well than which dwarf are you?"
How many short people does it take to change a light bulb? Six! One to change the light bulb and five to stand on each other's shoulders!
Why did the short guy put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log!

Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game? Because he wanted to tie the score!
Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game? He was caught stealing second base.
Why was the baseball game so hot? Because all the fans left!
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? a pinch-hitter
How do baseball players stay cool? Sit next to their fans.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Why are babies good at basketball? Because they dribble!
What do basketball players and babies have in common? They both dribble.
Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp? The players dribble a lot.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with? Fireballs.
Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game? Because he traveled a lot.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his Quarterback!!!
why was it so hot after the football game? because all of the fans left!
Why was Cinderella so bad at sports? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball
Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd? From 2nd to 3rd because there’s a shortstop in the middle.

What does it take to make a dead (fill in) float? One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead (fill in).
How did the dead (fill in) cross the road? Stapled to the chicken.
What's the difference between unloading a truckload of dead (fill in) and a truckload of bowling balls? You can use a pitchfork on the dead (fill in).
What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A (fill in) on a meathook.
Why do you put a (fill in) in the blender feet first? So you can watch his expression.
What's red and goes round and round? A (fill in) in a garbage disposal.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window? A (fill in) in an oven.
How many (fill in) does it take to paint a house? It depends on how hard you throw them.
How can you tell if you’re at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
why do bulimics like kfc? because it comes with a bucket.
What's a lepers favorite sport? Football.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? a frog in a blender

What do zombies put on their turkey at Thanksgiving? Grave-y!

What has...
What has wheels and a trunk but no engine? An elephant on roller skates.
What has 3 feet and no toes? A yardstick.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed.
What has two hands but can't wave? A clock.
What has four eyes but can't see? Mississippi!
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What has three letters and and starts with gas? A car
What has a head but no body? A nail.
What has legs but doesn’t walk? A bed.
What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
What has holes all over and holds water? A sponge!
What has four legs but never stands? A Chair!

What is...
What is the number 2's favorite day of the week? Twosday
What is the world’s longest punctuation mark? The hundred yard dash.
What is a tornado’s favorite game? Twister!
What is at the end of everything? The letter G.
What is the wind's favorite day of the week? Windsday!
What is hard to beat? A broken drum.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What is made of wood but can't be sawed? Sawdust.
What is the clumsiest bee? a bumbling bee
what is underneath a roosters wing? A Cockpit

What's the difference between...
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a (BMW, bimmer, porsche, nice car, etc.)? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
What's the difference between a Southern (or indian) zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish?
What's the difference between a martian and snoo? What's snoo? Nothing much. What's snoo with you?
What's the difference between a martian and a potfer? What's a potfer? It's too cook in, silly.
What's the difference between a butcher and an insomniac? One weighs a steak and the other stays awake.
What's the difference between a teacher and a railroad conductor? One trains the mind; the other minds the train.
What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a racehorse and a duck? One goes quick on its legs; the other goes quck on its eggs.
What's the difference between a king's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan? One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.
What's the difference between a counterfeit bill and an irate rabbit? One's bad money; the other's a mad bunny.
What's the difference between a cardboard paper towell roll and a Dutch comedian? One's a hollow cylinder; the other's a silly Hollander.
What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? People cry when they chop up onions.
What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A chainsaw can be tuned.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Why are women like condoms? They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

What do bullies and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
How can you tell when a bully is lying? You can hear them speaking.
Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
When I take a long time I'm slow. When my boss takes a long time he's thorough.
When I don't do it I'm lazy. When my boss doesn't do it he's busy.
When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot.. When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority. When my boss does the same, that's initiative.
When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed. When my boss does it, he's being firm.
When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude. When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around. When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview. When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When I please my boss I'm crawling. When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, my boss never forgets........
My Boss has learned to be cautious. Failure taught him that.

1000 Knock Knock Jokes