Joad Cressbecklerisms Election '08: Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate Threatens McCain's Base Washington's drowning in snake oil salesmen and I'm gonna run em out dad gummit! I got a tax plan for ya (hocks lugie, spits) there it goes right now! And all our jobs are goin to China now if I was president the only thing that'd be goin to China would be missiles! You can't put a bucket over a pig's head it'll just make em skittish! We got turn things around here we gotta make some changes. We shouldn't be teachin those calculators in school, we should be teachin our kids how to work. American's a man who relies on his SELF! Ev-ry time I go to Washington I smell a rat, a fish, a donkey with vipers. Let's get out the (car?) n snag em one two three! An then when I'm president we'll kill em! Now I know I ain't gonna be in no debate, but if Jon McClain wants to take me on the wood splittin contest I can guarantee I can split a cord o wood quicker n he can! Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show The sun's beatin down, won't be for long, sooo lets hit the pile. Now I hung a man or two in my life but that don't make me a judge. You gotta be full as a tick on stump liquor ta build on top o' sand. If you're too lazy to strangle your own bird maybe a week on the privlage straighten ya out. She's purty for a Chinese. You can sit for a while but keep yur boots on. You can talk like a thoroughbred so talk no give it to me sound on the goose. Aint that the (simon?) pure. If those foreigners or anybody else don't countn to it I got black baby here, show em the second amendment! You know, that guvment always sneaks in when I'm have seas over an purloins the very thread from my hankie. That's why I'll die before I vote n' I don't respect no man when HE AIN'T LOST A BODY PART AT WAR!! We gotta take sanctuary in the mountains. Gotta steeal the little children from the town an make our own army in the hills there! YOU'RE A PINK PANSY!! You talk about slitten that hog's throat ear ta ear and you wanna caress it an call it sweet Sally!! Git before Black Baby starts a barkin!! He's pink at the core, lil homo suckin at his momas dick. You stick with us now cause we gotta find jam from the fair. And we're gonna stick it to a horse, so we don't lose our mind. Joad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Hush up some'n stickn up tha whole cabin must be some'n in my vamint trap so lets see what I snagged. As long as man's been huntin coons by starlight he's been lookin up and shoutin, "I wanna go on that moon." Now these space princes are goin around demandin all the greenbacks are cotton carry so they can keep galavantin an in the rockets till the sedatas spring from the mud well it's time molly cottle in their bright pink parasol got ripped off a shitter n made her smell her own business! It riles me up every time you walk in here Ellie. You set my blood to dancin with all your pillowy parts. No give it to me no fimble famble. When do we start dustin these rocket boys' lilly white bottoms with baby puffs? Fine and plump ta look at, all of the sense of a badger ta boot. No more buildin giant space pricks while for pissin on the cosmos. Man wants to go to space he can strap on a helmet climb, in the cannon n' let the Chinese gun powder carry em off among the stars. She's pretty but she won't be havin old Joad not even on the barest mountain. Ya'll come back now we're gonna skin a fox in one fort n' yuuur gonna fancy on it. Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes 'Wrath-Minded Taters' The first hundred takers get shavins from my Spanish leg. Now enough o' that Mule (puckus?) I got other matters that need ol' pine'n on. Now you can give a man's insides to a spud! First thing he'll do is start bubblin for revenge. Cause I done terrible things to taters I cutn em fryn em. You give a tater a man's constitution you can bet he's comin to play ol' Joad a call. Now you listen to me taters! I don't know if you grew your ears yet but if ya did keep this message in em for ya come leapin outta Joad's pot! Cause I got, my good friend Kernel James Bowier right here same as cut the Chinese. Now ya get out before I slice yer tater heart out an fry it up on my grittle! Now ya'll stay close here, gonna have ma jug band back here n' if Jasper don't let me strum my washboard we're gonna resort ta cuttin! Joad Cressbeckler: Homosexuality A Necessity On Cold Mountaintops Take that picture down before I fix yer flint! You never been minin on a mountain durin a chillin season? Fortnight in the black hills two men got ta pile up together ta stay warm. Get's colder n' a Boston coffin up there in them hills, n' you say it ain't right for two old prospectors ta tug at each others peckers ta keep em from droppin off in the frostbite? Them mines ain't all place for womenfolk: can't lead a mule up a hill, can't haul no bounty with all them pillowy parts and, the bears are right attracted to their mensees. HUSH UP! You God Damn hush up! Yer spoutin on which you know nothin of. The first time I ever laid eyes on snow, thought my brain leaked out my head. I'd seen ten eagles in my life n' I killed nine of em. Man brain ain't much for taste, mix it in yer whiskey for POWER. Joad Cressbeckler: Immigrants Who Survive Arizona Desert Deserve Citizenship Seen tail end a my sittin talk without talkin bout the best way to braid an ox head over to joad's web for all the exlusive continence and what have ya Got all kinds a wears ya sellin to get your congrass t-shirts thereabouts Now i been thinking on it bout all them mexicans spaniards been caught dead in the american dessert N i seen fellas out there seekin fortunes by a husband cross the dry land with nuthin ta feed on but gull nippers n cactus root, got more american in em than these quinn boys in congress Poncho walkers If a man ain't cooked crisp on a hellfire dessert ain't he ought to be left on his own? We need the strongest of these crude backerd browns ta keep us all alive Berto, you swim that border river ta get here ain't ya? I got sympathy, I crossed huron lake in the barrel myself usin hands as paddles, n lived off the carp what jumped at me, now YOU SWUM THAT RIVER OR AIN'T YA?! What you know about hard work ain't never swum no river, 'KIND O MAN ARE YOU BARTO CHISLER?! [getting rifle] I say you ain't never knowed a man till you seen his teeth, [cocks rifle], show 'em your teeth [points rifle at Barto's mouth], too many teeth right now shows yur dishonest in the mind You got strong man pull teeth Barto i's apologize [puts rifle away] Close up! Government oughta stop sniffin mexicans n start sniffin for cold rep thievin money barrons 'ya ask me! Now my beauregard can sniff tha guilt out on a man's hide n he'll start barkin like a buckskin n' he crimed Come up here bud, i'll pass this old feller on ta you right now Barto